Loneliness is creeping in

It’s been over two months now since I left Saigon and I’m beginning to have my doubts if I can hack this anymore. Well, I know I can hack it, I can endure anything, but will I enjoy it? I gotta say, sometimes traveling alone is wonderful, but sometimes it’s downright boring and unfulfilling. I never wanted to travel alone, it’s just difficult to find someone who’s also fed up with their job and wants to wander around Asia for half a year. Hmmm, why is that?

I don’t know why I’m incapable of finding other backpackers and just going with the flow. I guess I have a plan in my head and I stick to it. And I know I also feel I’m getting too old for that shit. More often than not, I meet friendly couples and eventually we part ways. Or just don’t put myself into position to meet other people. Everyone’s got their guard up to some degree, especially when you’re in a place with hundreds of tourists from all over the place. Wary of each other for whatever reason.

Anyway, it’s really difficult to enjoy my own company at the moment. I’ve got a clean, comfortable bungalow 30 meters from the beach. I rented a new motorbike to tour the island. I’ve got cheap beer and delicious Thai food in abundance around me. There are places to go and see on the island, but it takes me so long to prepare to leave because I just don’t fucking give a shit!!!!

I want to have a conversation on the way, share a story, hold a hand, share the experience. Been there done that ALONE. Another fucking waterfall. Yeah it’s beautiful, but I don’t care, I just don’t. I've seen waterfalls. Ok, I’m here so I’ll hike it and I do and it’s nice, but something’s missing. Should I go for a swim and relax on one of the huge rocks? Alone? There is no fun in that. I’m not in the mood for meditation. I had my morning walk on the beach this morning - that was my meditation, but it didn’t seem to help.

I’m quite comfortable to be alone, to travel alone, but not for such extended periods. And with no purpose. Yeah I could read a book, that might help, but how many? I can surf the web, but for how long? I can ride my motorbike around and around, but to see what? Another ocean view, it’s stunning, it truly is, but all I can do is take a picture and post the postcard on facebook. Postcards are pretty, but boring. People are interesting.

I've been holding it in today. Trying to smile when I don’t feel like it. Trying to pretend like I’m enjoying myself when I’m really not. I hate pretending! Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely have moments where I am truly enjoying myself, but in my opinion, not as many as I should. And I wonder, what the fuck is wrong with me? Why is EVERYBODY else having more fun than me?! Should I be drinking more beer? Spending more money? Eating less tofu? Settling down and having a family?

Man up, Tyler! Fuck you. Man down. Show some emotion. I need to cry a little, but I first need a shoulder to cry on. And a good hug. And maybe an ass to grab. Funny how that always puts a smile on my face.  Any volunteers? Plenty of ladyboys around here if I get desperate.

I’m starting to talk to myself. Actually that’s a lie. I’ve been doing that for years. You do too, right? Well, I think you don’t spend enough time alone. Unfortunately, the more time I spend alone, the less I like myself. Tired of seeing myself in the mirror. Tired of my hair, my belly. Fuck man, I need to incorporate some crunches into my daily routine. Hard to stay fit on the road with a declining metabolism and half my calories coming in the form of beer. Oh and 5 baht sweets from 7/11. Cut down on that shit, boy!

 I’m getting a little tired of wearing the same clothes. Steady rotation of shorts, t-shirts and boxers. Cutting off sleeves to make something ‘new’ and mix it up. Buying a new shirt and feeling this stupid feeling of accomplishment. I’m really tired of my flip flops and my board shorts and seeing my belly through my shirts. That’s discouraging. I don’t want to lose any weight, just reconfigure what I’ve got. Isn’t that everybody’s story. It’s not a question, it’s a fact.

I also hate spending money when I’m not earning any. Start thinking waaaaaay too much about finances and it’s too early to worry. Hmmm, should I go to 7/11 to buy a beer? Cheap fucker that I am. But sometimes that’s the best beer. It just tastes better. Eating a small portion on a big plate at some fine restaurant has never done it for me. Give me the street food, there’s more of it, it’s cheaper and it tastes better. Usually.

So, sigh, where does all this leave me now? Well, in the moment, it leaves me sitting cross-legged on my bed listening to music while being gently caressed by the breeze from the fan on the wall. I’d prefer a woman naturally. And having said that, you all know that’s my problem. I talk about them too much, especially pole dancers. So why don’t I get one? As if they’re available at the corner market. Well, here, in fact they are come to think of it.

That’s not where I meant to go. Why don’t I have a girlfriend? Ask me why I’m incapable of love. Ask me why and I won’t be able to tell you. I don’t know what the fuck it is and how to find it. To get it, to reach it, to feel it. I’m afraid of it, I think that’s my problem. I fear it, I don’t allow it and sometimes I wonder if that’s prolonging my pain. But first you have to love yourself, right? How do you do that?

I don’t want to think about this anymore. Time for a nap if I can just stop thinking.