30 Signs Vietnam is rubbing off on you

I was going to talk about getting rubbed off on and then I decided against it. I'll try to stick to the topic, which is 30 signs Vietnam is rubbing off on you. 30 signs you, as a foreigner, are becoming one with Vietnam. Or are embracing the culture. Or have been here too long. However you want to look at it. This is not meant to offend - I'll say that upfront. And there are plenty of other 'signs' but my brain hurts and I don't want to think about this anymore.

Let's begin...

1. You eat boiled peanuts. Enough said, but I'll say more. You eat them and you love them. You still like roasted or fried salty nuts, but you'll go out of your way to get a bag of these soft, relatively flavorless nuts. Somehow you think this variety is aiding your digestion.

2. You are no longer concerned with your salt intake. You put chili salt on your fruit and soy sauce on everything else and no longer ask to hold the msg. In fact, you only ever asked one time. Don't ask, don't tell!

3. You don't know what the environment is anymore. You probably throw away a dozen plastic bags every day not to mention plastic cups and styrofoam containers. Reusable container? WTF is that?

4. You don't think twice about occasionally picking your nose in public. It's nice to be less self-conscious again. And picking and flicking is somehow rather enjoyable. Almost magical when you get it right.

5. You're surprised to actually get a napkin in a restaurant and not something that resembles single-ply toilet paper if you're lucky - bits of which can be found in your stubble after wiping your face.

6. You want to use chopsticks even with your fried rice. A spoon? Don't give me that shit. You're in Vietnam and you're eating Vietnamese food so you'll use those fuckin' sticks even if you're only getting a few grains of rice with each bite.

7. You see a hair in your food and you just shrug your shoulders. Hair happens. Besides, you know if you do complain about it, they're just going to shrug their shoulders.

8. You know how to cross the street. Sometimes you close your eyes and other times you raise your arm over your head for maximum visibility, just to mix it up. You never assume everybody sees you, but you walk confidently and never show fear.

9. It doesn't phase you when public toilets have neither soap nor towels. Your hands are as clean as the next guys. A little cold water does the trick for sure. You're convinced those studies showing fecal contamination under ultra-violet light were paid for by the soap industry.

10. You love the bum hose. Not because of the tickle in your anus, but because that shit works. You might be splashing E. coli all over the place, but you are cleaning your bum in ways that toilet paper cannot. And indirectly you are saving trees.

11. You honk for fun. As you're entering the street from an alley or approaching someone from behind or in the middle of an empty street. It's just plain fun to beep the horn. Beep beep!

12. You yell at people for having their lights on during the day. You idiot! Save that electricity. And occasionally you yell at people for having their kickstand down and look at them like they've just left the baby on the roof of the car.

13. You walk around your neighborhood shirtless trying to blend in. It's hot, why should you be the only one getting wet and stinky under the arms? If not completely shirtless, you pull it up to expose your belly while drinking an iced coffee.

14. You wear your helmet into shops and pharmacies when you know it's going to be a quick transaction. Total waste of time to unclick it and hang it on the hook. Besides, you'd have to fix your hair.

15. You start cutting people off in line and don't feel guilty about doing it. In fact, you rarely even form a line anymore. Just kind of nudge in from the side and pretend like you were there all along.

16. You have a really long nail on one of your fingers and you don't really even know its purpose. Sometimes you put it in your ear, sometimes in your nose, but for the most part you just think it's cool.

17. You think you can sing really well. You enjoy singing karaoke and occasionally burst into song whether in the supermarket, gym or in the classroom. You're good so naturally nobody minds listening to you.

18. You have an iPhone. You traded in that 500k vnd Nokia a long time ago. You take it out and use it whenever possible and upload pics of yourself using it to Facebook every day.

19. You don't look left when you're turning right. You don't even slow down. What's the point? Slowing down and accelerating again just wastes petrol.

20. If you've missed your turn - instead of turning at the next convenient location - you stop in the middle of traffic and inconvenience everybody else. Everybody else is doing it! It doesn't matter if you have to inch across two lanes of heavy traffic and endanger yourself and others, you're saving time.

21. When the elevator opens you squeeze on with complete disregard for the people getting off as you know you might not otherwise get on. You don't even feel selfish or inconsiderate anymore. Just fucking smart.

22. You answer your cell phone while teaching and discuss plans for the evening in front of your students. And leave your ring tone on and occasionally check and send messages while they're practicing in pairs. It's called multitasking.

23. When taking the stairs, which is a very rare occasion, you tend to walk on the wrong side of the stairwell or in the middle and go at a leisurely pace. Not to piss people off, but just to say you 'exercised' a little bit longer.

24. You laugh when anybody speaks English with a different accent than yours. It's funny because it's not tuh-mey-toh or tuh-mah-toh, it's fucking TUH-MEY-TOH. So naturally you correct them. And if by chance, you can't understand them, you pretend to do so you don't lose face.

25. Your helmet was purchased on the side of the road for less than $5. And the strap is really loose, but you like your forehead exposed so you can show off your receding hairline.

26. When you have to pee, you utilize the nearest dry wall or the closest bridge. No sense in actually asking for a public toilet. It might smell or have cockroaches. And it definitely won't have any soap - not that you're concerned about that.

27. You actually believe that playing basketball will make you taller. You don't play yourself because as a foreigner you're already too tall, but you do think there's some logic to that theory.

28. Orange oranges, yellow bananas and yellow lemons look funny. Oh and sweet mangoes taste funny. And when someone says lime, you say oh you mean lemon? Same same.

29. You drink Heineken. Because that Tiger shit gives you a headache. And because you are of a higher class. That SH will be yours soon!

30. In the past, you hated when Vietnam won an important football match. That meant the streets were full of idiots, honking even more excessively than normal, driving recklessly and endangering the lives of everyone around them. Now you embrace it - you are one with the storm driving without a helmet, yelling, pulling u-turns in the middle of busy streets and waving the flag in the overwhelmingly toxic air. Go Vietnam!