I don't know what is wrong with me. Why I can't seem to connect with anyone. Starved for conversation after a few nights alone in a one-horse town in southern Nepal, I came north to Kathmandu hoping to meet some potential trekking partners. I haven't really put myself out there and four days later I'm still starved for conversation despite being surrounded by my fellow tourists. Conversations with travel agents, shop assistants, waiters, kids on the street or my masseuse don't count. They're nice, but not the same as shooting the shit with someone who's also experiencing this place for the first time.
Tonight is Nepali New Year and the streets are busier than normal. I've even seen some attractive Nepali girls. It's amazing what some tight jeans, short shorts or heels will do for a woman...and a man. I was walking back towards my hotel early this evening when I noticed an attractive Asian girl headed in my direction. She looked at me, smiled and said hello and I hello'd back. And I almost instantly turned around and said Hey, wait! She either didn't hear me or pretended to ignore me and as I made a few steps in her direction, I hesitated and then sadly lost my courage.
I hate not knowing. Instead, I rationalized that if it was meant to be, I'd see her wandering the streets later. Of course, I didn't. Instead, I wandered around eating more junk food because it's the only thing that doesn't seem to make my stomach queasy. My diet is way off. I like sweets, but not the degree in which I am consuming them. I started out this morning with a large apple pastry. It was filling, but not fulfilling so I got a chocolate donut to go. I polished that off rather quickly. The best donut I've had since my last trip to America.
Later in the afternoon I got a Mountain Dew. I haven't had one of those in probably twenty years. I'm serious. And later in a cafe, I got an iced cappuccino. First of all, I rarely drink coffee and never have milk in it. This evening for dinner, I went back to one of the many bakeries and got a cinnamon roll. Followed that up with some chocolate ice cream and then got a Cadbury's chocolate bar with roasted almonds and a Yorkie Original. There's something of redeeming value in all of that, isn't there? At least I haven't vomited yet.
And well, the diarrhea medicine seems to be working. No real sessions on the pot since this morning. That's positive news. Although there is something brewing and it's not coffee. I've had stomach issues for about ten days now and I'm literally tired of this shit. It's draining and it's not good for my confidence either. This little bald patch on the back of my head also makes me feel less than 100%. My imagination has anyone doing a double take as I walk past saying Ohhh what the fuck is wrong with him?
I haven't had a beer in two weeks. I could probably use one. The thing is, beer hasn't even sounded good. I've only had one since I arrived in India and it wasn't even a Kingfisher. I still don't even know where you go about buying one in the land of holy cows and holy shits. They're everywhere in Nepal, but until recently I was taking antibiotics and other painkillers, which inhibited their consumption. And now that I can freely imbibe, I just don't feel like one. I feel like a Coke and I never drink that shit. What's going on? Did Marvin Gaye have the answer?
I'm still me, I know that much. I'm still an irritable motherfucker. Still elbowing assholes who don't get out of my way as I'm walking down the street. Told one guy to shove his trekking poles up his ass as I walked away from his shop. At least I'm still polite. I don't think I was rude to anyone else other than some aggressive monkeys who hissed at me at the top of Swayambhunath Temple. They deserved those under-my-breath mutterings as I don't like being startled.
This trip is nearing its end. I can feel it. I don't have any purpose. I don't have anything interesting to say. I even feel like a liar when I tell people I'm an English Teacher. I was an English Teacher. What the fuck am I now? What am I going to do when it's time to start making money again? I have no plan. I have no idea. I keep waiting for a sign and I'm pretty sure it's not going to be that easy. Maybe I'll see an astrologer. A palm reader. A psychic. A wise man. Can any of you tell me what I should be doing so I can start focusing my life? Cause I sure as hell can't figure it out.
On the move again in the morning. When will this all be over? I'm anxious to do some trekking and possibly see Tibet if my back and wallet allow, but I'm also anxious to get back in shape. Health is wealth and I feel poor. I want a little more muscle, a little more definition, a faster metabolism. I feel like my body is moving in slow motion. I feel like I want a routine too. I don't want to be a 9-5 desk jockey, but something more than a bitchy backpacker with the runs would be nice.
I don't want to be a bringer of doom, but I'd be seeing a good doctor back in the States if I was you. The constant irritability might be just personality, although I never really saw that in you, but it may also be a sign of something else. I know nothing about your habits or diet, but diabetes could also be something to look at if you're struggling to feel healthy and have gone on a sugar kick.
ReplyDeleteJust some thoughts.
You should also get back into the real world. You've seen enough of the flip side to keep you going for a while, haven't you? Even Saigon would do you good, as at least there is familiarity there. And if you do come back, hang with some good people, not the dickheads that seem to be everywhere. I've had to dump pretty much everyone for my own sanity, and I'm now extremely selective.
Get a proper teaching job, not one in a language centre. In other words, start a career. At least until you feel balanced again.
It worked for me, but I'm not you.
First, cheers for your comments Steve. I think the irritability thing is just personality - that combined with limited patience and not really passionate about anything. Just chugging along and not finding anything to love about my day to day existence.
ReplyDeleteI think the recent sugar overload was just from indigestion and being incapable of consuming the local fare...just made me queasy. And strangely all that sugar didn't. So I indulged. But too often like that and I ought to worry. Blood sugar crashes could also be a reason for my irritability. I should eat more often to control that.
About the real world....I know I need a job. And ya, probably not just something that gives me a little cash to get by. I'd prefer to be passionate about what I do, but that's my problem. Finding that passion. I don't even know where to look. Teaching is not my passion. "What do you like?" is a good obvious question, but I can't answer that well enough to give me the answers I need.
Career...ugh....but you're right. It would at least ground me and provide me with a sense of purpose. But what!? It's not as easy as throwing darts. I wish I could just insert a quarter and see what comes out...