New day, please

Did I just eat that whole pack of Golden Oreos? Yes, I did. And down that whole bottle of local whiskey? Well, it was only 20% alcohol and to answer the question, yes, I did. Mixed with cola and ice it tasted like candy. Almost. And before that, a heaping plate of gado gado, a local dish of boiled vegetables topped with peanut sauce. It wasn't that good, but there was a lot of it and mixed with that heaping pile of rice, it did the trick. I rike lice.

It's still early, only 9:15pm, but I want a new day. Today, I felt depressed. Lonely and unable to get out of the downward spiral that often consumes me. Everything started out well, but unfortunately didn't last long. I went on a walk and wore the wrong shoes. I've got a blister on my left little toe and my right heel to prove it. And I got sunburned. Overcast sky, not too hot, I don't need sunblock. Live and learn and learn again. Yes, I do need sunblock. Idiot.

Then I stopped for lunch and got an avocado shake. I know, I know avocado! But usually they're quite delicious. This one was room temperature. How can you make a shake without adding ice? I couldn't shake the feeling of being robbed of the usual deliciousness. And then, my meal, which was quite good, came with old rice. You can always tell when you're eating old rice. Not so good.

Now I could have gotten over all of this. But then I came home and bumped my head on the door frame leading to my bathroom. And then I got on my laptop and couldn't download anything or make the movie I am trying to make. After wasting a couple of hours cursing to myself and occasionally beating the keyboard with my fist, I gave up.

I decided to go swimming in the lake, which my hotel overlooks. Beautiful crater lake. But being overcast, the water felt quite cold. And swimming alone, that's never that fun. And having only cold water in my room, I thought I might never warm up. So, I decided not to go swimming in the end. Instead, I thought, I could use a beer. And of course, it wasn't cold enough. Of course! And I spilled some on my bed.

So, as you can see, nearly everything went wrong. It wasn't a terrible day, but one I'd like to forget nonetheless. I'm just becoming a bitter asshole in my old age, someone who recognizes everything he has in life, but somehow can't seem to fully appreciate it. I'm tired of feeling like this, never really giving a shit about anything. Nothing really able to make me happy. And I don't know what to do.

I know I complain a lot. I can't help myself. And I become a real prick when I'm agitated, which seems to more often than not. I really try to look at the bright side, to be positive, but I think not having something I'm truly passionate about is giving me endless frustration. It's just hard to live today - even if I'm lucky enough to be exploring the world, taking a break from work, trying new food and meeting new people - when I don't have a fucking clue as to what I'm going to be doing tomorrow. And I can't just relax and not think about it. I want to do what I love, but how can I do that if I don't love anything?