Budget Accommodation - the sequel

While I wait for the wifi to be fixed in my hotel in the inappropriately named I Win Hostel in Siem Reap, I have decided to write a follow-up to my Budget Accommodation post written way back in January. Feels like months ago! I knew I missed some things back then and the point wasn’t to hit on everything - just to kill some time writing until I had enough material. Anyway. Here we go again.

I’ll start with the wifi. Budget hotels surprisingly often have free wifi, at least in SE Asia, which is often even accessible in the room. It may be a shabby connection, but at least there is one. And you may find wires jerry-rigged here and there, but that really makes no difference to the backpacker who needs his Facebook at all times. Usually budget hotels also come with a receptionist who has no idea what to do when the internet goes down and you have to show them how to poke the reset button.

A budget room probably comes with a decent enough bed, but usually it’s best not to actually look at the mattress. For what? So you can lie uncomfortably with the knowledge of what’s beneath? And don’t smell the sheets. Or even inspect them closely because you’re bound to find something you’re not going to like. From hairs to ants to cigarette burns to random stains, none of it will kill you, but it might agonize you.

If you look under the bed you might have nightmares. Aside from the accumulated dust, you might find a cockroach or three, a condom wrapper, an empty plastic water bottle or a lost sock. I always look under the bed just in case I find a lost hundred dollar bill, but to this day, I've always been disappointed. I figure the day I stop looking is the day the hundred dollars will be there. That or the giant spider that might eat my face during the night.

A budget room usually comes with a fan, occasionally on the ceiling and occasionally on the wall. If the one attached to the wall or ceiling is broken, like mine now, they’ll be ever so gracious to supply you with a standing fan. In my case, it worked to my advantage because it’s noisier and blocks out the music from the club next door.

You sometimes get a tv. Usually a bulky old one with limited channels if any, but you might get a flat screen. Maybe you’d consider that lucky if watching tv is your thing. For some reason, with budget accommodation, you almost always get a tv remote that is missing the battery cover. I seriously believe there’s some idiot who collects those things. I rarely watch tv so it’s not bothersome aside from the lack of visual appeal. It just makes me feel dirty.

In the bathroom, with the shabby bath mat or folded towel or old t-shirt residing just outside the door still wet from the previous guest, you’ll most likely find a couple toothbrushes and mini tubes of toothpaste all hygienically sealed in plastic. And perhaps a mini bar of soap that’ll lather away in two showers, but you might have to ask for that at reception. And the toilet paper is also a maybe. Definitely single ply and perforated if you’re lucky. Towel often threadbare and stiff upon first use, but occasionally you get a nice new one. I’ve been so fortunate to have had that experience. I almost wanted to steal it.

You usually get a cold shower in budget rooms, but sometimes you get a hot water heater that is still functioning. Usually the shower head is situated far below a comfortable height and sometimes the shower head wall fixture is broken. The sink almost always drains water onto the floor or at least leaks and the mirror above the sink is always too low. And the bathroom lighting is usually too dim. The bathroom door frame almost never allows for enough head clearance and eventually it becomes habit to duck through every door. The toilet nearly always has a seat, but it’s often loose and it doesn’t always flush adequately.

What else, what else…ah, the bum hose. An essential to any budget bathroom. Sometimes the water merely dribbles out and sometimes the force actually bruises your anus. It can be hit or miss. When you’re like Goldilocks and get one that’s just right, a little squirt to the rectum not only makes you feel good, but you’re doing your part to help the environment as well. Save both water and toilet tissue! Get over your homophobia and try it today. You’ll soon realize what you were missing all these years.

The bathroom door in your budget abode likely won’t be able to close. Just deal with it. It’s a minor inconvenience when you have a visitor and you’re afraid of blowing out your bowels in the morning, but you have to realize the door is probably plastic and not impenetrable to noise anyway. Let it go and hope for the best. If your guest turns their nose in disgust, he or she was probably not for you anyway. You can always try turning on the tv, if you have one, or running the water, but that’s obvious and your visitor will likely unconsciously pay more attention when you resort to such trickery.

The garbage can in your room will most likely be plastic and on its last legs. It might even smell or have mold growing on it and may or may not have a plastic liner, which will most definitely be a plastic bag. There will also most likely be an inadequate number of electrical outlets in your room which may or may not need tape to hold your plug without it falling out. However, wires will be abundant. They will probably appear to be growing out of the walls and leave you wondering what their purpose once was. An eyesore to the electrician or carpenter, but adds character to the common man.

One day this will all become a distant memory. When I become rich and famous I’ll probably upgrade to 2 or 3-star accommodation just for kicks to see how the other side lives.