Best clubs in Asia

Cue the music. Hit Play. Turn up the volume. Turn down the lights. Turn on the strobe light. Turn on the fog machine. Does anyone do that anymore? And dance! 

First, let me say that the title of this post is a bit of a misnomer. I haven't been to clubs all over Asia and I'm not really a huge clubber. I'm down to 80 kilos so one can hardly call me huge. Tall is a better choice of words. Anyway, the title should be The best clubs I visited over the past six months, but I didn't think that would draw you in. I want hits, baby!

The first club that stands out in my mind is Sky Garden in Bali. I just viewed the link, clicked on the video and unconsciously started shaking - my version of dancing - and drooling. Why was I drooling? I was having flashbacks to the various pole and bar dancers (red shorts, second from the right) that could be seen throughout the various floors of that club. They were hot, the drinks were reasonable and people were drunk. And the girls were hot. Oh wait, I said that already.

I won't say much other than the place was usually packed and the drink specials were pretty outrageous. Free flow on the fourth floor after 10pm - they weren't amazing, but they were free and they did the trick. There was also a club within the club on the first or second floor that had insane drink specials that changed every 15 minutes or so. A beer, in a club, for the same price as the convenience store, with good music and girls pole dancing in the corner? Difficult choice.

There were other clubs in Bali, particularly on Legian Street in Kuta, but I don't remember any of them. There was one that looked like a big ship and was full of bare-chested Australian dudes. Naaaah!

I didn't go to any other clubs in Indonesia nor did I go to any in Malaysia. Seeing as how drinks were about US$5 for a beer in a regular bar in Kuala Lumpur, I decided to take a break from the booze. In Thailand, there were plenty of places to indulge in a watery refreshment - from your local 7/11 to a beach bar to a lady bar to a club. It was hard not to drink. I can only remember Insomnia from Bangkok, which I would recommend, but not the club I am going to mention here.

Instead, I'm going to talk about the Emergency Bar, which is pictured below. Who doesn't wanted to be served by a nurse in case the alcohol has any adverse effects? It is located near Lamai Beach on Koh Samui on a strip full of bars. There motto was You must drink for survive, which is funny for its thrashing of the English language, but also true because we can only live for approximately 8-14 days without drinking water. So having said that, drink up! And hope for the best that one of those nurses has to give you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

One more thing about the Emergency Bar. I can't vouch for it really. In any way, shape or form. I just like the name. And there happened to be a very attractive nurse who caught my eye when I was walking by. The beer was cold, reasonably priced and I got some attention for a minute. Isn't that all we need? She was taken unfortunately, by an expat who ran the bar, and as you might imagine, I didn't stay too long.

I could talk about the clubs in Vietnam, of which I am really only familiar with some of those in Saigon, included but not limited to Lush, Apocalypse Now or Go2, but I don't want to. They're all alright and worth a look if happen to be there. Ask around when you get there. As for Cambodia, I won't mention any other clubs other than Heart of Darkness and Pontoon, conveniently located near Riverside area in Phnom Penh. Both decent clubs and good for boosting your ego because most, but not all, of the women are prostitutes and are therefore interested in you. Yes, you! I can't help but think of the word poon tang when I hear that people are going to Pontoon. I won't tell you what it means, but you can always check Urban Dictionary. Perhaps it's somewhat appropriate.

In Phnom Penh, my favorite bar is pictured below. Actually, I've never been there. I don't lie much so you can take my word. Naming your bar 69 is just a little too obvious for me. I prefer something a little more discreet. But nonetheless, I couldn't resist taking a picture. I'm sure it had cold drinks and relatively attractive bar girls. Other bar names in the area were perhaps equally overt, with such names as The Candy Bar, Pussy Cat Bar, Horny Bar, Dream Bar, Oasis, et al. I might have gone into one of those, I just can't remember! 

The last club I am going to mention - because I want to wrap this up - is in Nepal. I honestly cannot vouch for it because I only saw the sign in passing on my first night whoring the streets in Kathmandu. I took a breather from the club scene when I was in Nepal and India, but naturally, I still made inquiries about the Teen Age Club with Shower. What!? That's what I said. Apparently the shower was in bygone days. I was in bed by 10pm on most nights so unfortunately, I can't give you the lowdown. Use your imagination. That's all I have to say. What now, I ask you, are your favorite clubs?