Malaysia day 2: food

I woke up this morning in my claustrophobic room and I said to myself, I gotta get the fuck outta here! Anywhere will do, anywhere but Kuala Lumpur. So I spoke with the lady at the front desk and walked to the bus ticket office a good fifteen minutes away. This was after my cold, soapless shower, which while invigorating probably wasn't the most cleansing.

Malaysia is definitely not as tourist friendly as Thailand or even Vietnam. I'm used to the bus coming to me and here I have to walk to the ticket office. I can't just purchase in my guest house or any nearby travel agent? I gotta walk?? Jaysus, where am I? At least the people here don't stare at you. It almost makes me miss Vietnam for a second, that false feeling of importance cause somebody's staring at you with bulging eyes because they haven't seen a foreigner in seventeen seconds and they forgot what one looked like.

I went back to my unrecommendable guest house and packed my bags. Upon leaving, to make the walk back to the ticket office, a kid climbing up the stairs asks with tired eyes, What time is it? 9:45 I say. In the morning? He is surprised. What happened to you? I ask. Oh I just feel asleep somewhere. I laugh to myself, finish tying my shoes and head down the stairs.

Today turned out to be a food day. Not much else to do. I had a 3-pack of walnut cookies from the convenience store at the bus station. And lo and behold, there were actually some walnuts. Unlike in Vietnam when you buy the almond cookies, all you get are peanuts. Hmmm those aren't almonds! Yet, I bought them over and over again. Not because I forgot, but because they were delicious.

After arriving in Melaka, it felt like bedtime, but in actuality was only 1:30pm. The bus ride was about two hours, but because I slept, I didn't have any concept of time. I eventually found a hotel after getting lost, sweating through my shirt and grumbling at people to get the fuck out of the way because they were walking too slowly on a pedestrian street and I was irritable and stuck behind them.

After checking in and putting down my bags, I went for another walk. This time it was much more enjoyable and I had far more patience despite saying Idiot a couple times at people seemingly learning to walk again for the first time. From what I could gather, there wasn't much to do here other than walk around and sample as much of the local street food as possible. So, that's what I did.

I started out with a very marginal dinner. There is no sense saving a buck to eat precooked shit unless the aforementioned shit is in Vietnam, half the price and a hundred times more delicious. But I'm in Malaysia and trying to eat Malay food and I've failed two days in a row. I thought the carrot juice would be nice, but it came mixed with evaporated milk. Tasted like milk and nothing like it should have.

Oh well! It's all cheap, I'll just eat until I'm satisfied. Pineapple tarts seem to be a local specialty. No thanks. And cendol, which is like shaved ice on top of beans, topped with coconut milk and a sugary syrup. I gave it a go. Nice presentation, but was almost too sweet and didn't really hit the spot. So, I continued on my walk and hit the mochi people. I get some to go and ate it when I get back to my hotel. It was delicious for the first several bites and then my stomach screamed Enouuuggh alreeaaady, but naturally I didn't listen. It was good stuff, but I don't need it again.

Mochi

And now that it's mostly digested and I've finished writing this, I can go back to my room and sample the chocolate covered peanuts I bought at the neighboring convenience store. And by sample, I mean finish. And fortunately, there isn't anyone to share with. Tomorrow, I swear, no sweets! Bwaahahaa

Malaysia day 1: KL

I'm sitting in my room at the Oasis Guest House and let me tell you one thing, this ain't no paradise. It's got a good price for Kuala Lumpur and I'm pretty sure that's about it. The fan works well so I don't think I'll be missing the air conditioner, but it screams louder than pig being slaughtered and if you've ever heard that miserable sound, you know I won't be sleeping much. Ok, slight exaggeration. Oh well, mistake number one! I'm upgrading, I promise, I can't tolerate this at my age.

First impressions of KL: ahhhh relative peace and quiet, ooooh diversity, birds, public transportation, buildings, nobody staring, i couldn't live here, i'm not considering living here, i'm just here on vacation, i need to find a cafe, i can't find a cafe, give me some street food, give me something to do, what do i do here, i need to get out of here, my feet hurt, beer is expensive, i'm not drinking, i'm going to bed early, where's the beach and why don't i have my own bathroom?

I'm feeling a little angry, but of course I am, that's just me. It happens when I make a bad decision. Fortunately, I can remedy that tomorrow. I'm also feeling a bit sad. I'm alone, but I have chosen to be alone. I think I just need to be sad for a minute. Or a week. I'm just not feeling very social and perhaps I should be, but I don't want to be. I don't want to go drink beers with other backpackers. And go through the typical backpacker conversation. Not tonight anyway. And I hate to say it, but I'm really not interested in white girls anymore. And thus, striking up a conversation is that much harder. I know, I'm a prick, but I've come to live with that and don't give a fuuuuuuck.

I'm also feeling pretty free at the moment and for that I'm grateful, but also have no idea how to fill my time. Cause I have so much of it now. I forgot how many hours there are in a day when you're not working or working out. Am I bored already? I know I'm tired. So what's next? I'm so lazy with doing research, I just want someone to tell me where to go. Penang? Ok, I'm on that bus tomorrow. Melaka? Sounds good to me.

In the meantime, I'm looking for things to do to fill my day. So I sat down for an early dinner at one of Chinatown's many eateries and had the worst, overpriced noodles for 10 ringgit (about $2.50) and then ate some kind of peanut pancake on the street for 0.80 ringgit (about $0.25) and that was immensely more satisfying and seemed to balance out my mood from being somewhat annoyed to back to normal. And now what? Fuck, it's only 7pm. I'm hiding in my room, this disgustingly confined space. I saw 3 backpacker places and this was by far the cleanest, it has that going for it.

This is one of those rare moments I'm actually jealous of the guy traveling with his girlfriend. He's got a traveling companion and something to do this evening. And he probably wisely upgraded his living situation on account of her. I should just pretend from now on. But in actuality, I know, being the aforementioned prick I am, I would be thinking, I need to get away for a minute. Can't this girl just enjoy the silence? Why does she have to order all the expensive shit on the menu? Can't we just walk there? And on and on and I realize it's pretty clear why I'm still single and that maybe, just maybe I'm the luckier one being alone and having the freedom to pick and choose who I want to spend my time with.

Well, enough nonsense for now. I need another peanut pancake and maybe I'll splurge for a beer. I was going to detox, but I'm just way too antisocial for my own good. I need some suggestions on what to do, where to go and I'm not getting any here. Plus my ass hurts. Up up and away!

Gym etiquette [rant]

I finally found this gym I like. It's called Gold Sport on 3/2 Street not too far from my house. A straight shot up Le Hong Phong and I'm there. It makes working out a lot more convenient not having to drive down the length of 3/2, make my way round the nasty traffic circle at CMT8 and then veer into the decent, but dilapidated Lan Anh Fitness Center. It was hard to leave after three years there, but change is good. Soooo good. And I don't miss it at all.

So here I am now at this new gym, closer to my house and cheaper too not to mention the new equipment and lack of crowds. Before noon anyway. But there are some things that are annoying at gyms. And gym etiquette is one of them. Wiping your sweat from a machine is one thing and not grunting is another, but that rarely happens here, which is nice. I'm talking about keeping your eyes to yourself and not making unnecessary conversation.

First of all, if you're in the locker room making idle chit chat, get the fuck outta there. We all know you're waiting for someone to take off their shorts so you can get an eyeful. And while we're in the locker room, those dumb asses that light up a cigarette after their workout, are you really that cool? I'm breathing that shit too, you inconsiderate fuck.

But what I really wanted to talk about was commentary on other people's bodies. It'd be one thing if a massive roided out beast said to me Hey bruh, you put a little size on and you'd be one mean looking fucker. I'd respect that enough. Thanks man, I'm over trying to look like a mean looking fucker, but I know what you're saying and I appreciate the advice. Ain't gonna happen though.

Instead I get this little dickface saying Hey man, are you trying to get bigger? No, I'm not. Well, I think if you gained some more weight you'd look better. You think? No shit, Sherlock. I'm a thin dude and in an ideal world, I'd be a few more kilograms. But this isn't an ideal world. And I don't want those few extra kilos sitting in my gut. I've finally accepted that this is my natural body shape and there isn't much I can do about it. Nothing naturally anyway. And now I gotta sit and listen to advice from an 18 year old twat?

And today, two days later, some old wrinkled nutsack strikes up a conversation and lo and behold, we're both from California! As if that in and of itself makes us friends. Nice enough guy until he rushes to my aid on my 12th rep of incline dumbbell press and acting like he saved me says Why are you lifting so heavy? I just did eleven reps you washed up wank, know what you're talking about before you open your hole.

And then he comes back to tell me I should gain weight. You're too skinny for your height. Well old man, no offense, but you're too fat for your 5 foot frame and you're not lifting heavy enough! I'm not the strongest man in the gym, but far from the weakest and here I have the weakest shit-for-brains giving me advice. I just don't understand.

I eat more, I get a fat belly. Simple as that. I work out more, I gain weight and put on mass everywhere. I don't want more weight everywhere. I don't want to buy new clothes. I work out more, my body hurts more. I know my body. You don't so zip it. Simple concept. I've learned that having an ideal body isn't sustainable. I don't want to go to the gym four times a week for the rest of my life. I want to take vacations and not do shit. Let my body go. When I come back to reality I'll get back to where I was. Or somewhere close.

So, hey, if you see me in the gym, just speak to me normally. Say what's up. But don't give me any free advice. Wipe up your sweat, don't grunt too often, share the machines, don't linger in the locker rooms, don't stare at people in the mirrors and don't tell people what they should be doing or what's best for them when you obviously haven't got a clue as to what's best for you. You don't tell a fat dude he'd look better if he was thinner do you? He knows that shit. So keep it to yourself.

30 Signs Vietnam is rubbing off on you

I was going to talk about getting rubbed off on and then I decided against it. I'll try to stick to the topic, which is 30 signs Vietnam is rubbing off on you. 30 signs you, as a foreigner, are becoming one with Vietnam. Or are embracing the culture. Or have been here too long. However you want to look at it. This is not meant to offend - I'll say that upfront. And there are plenty of other 'signs' but my brain hurts and I don't want to think about this anymore.

Let's begin...

1. You eat boiled peanuts. Enough said, but I'll say more. You eat them and you love them. You still like roasted or fried salty nuts, but you'll go out of your way to get a bag of these soft, relatively flavorless nuts. Somehow you think this variety is aiding your digestion.

2. You are no longer concerned with your salt intake. You put chili salt on your fruit and soy sauce on everything else and no longer ask to hold the msg. In fact, you only ever asked one time. Don't ask, don't tell!

3. You don't know what the environment is anymore. You probably throw away a dozen plastic bags every day not to mention plastic cups and styrofoam containers. Reusable container? WTF is that?

4. You don't think twice about occasionally picking your nose in public. It's nice to be less self-conscious again. And picking and flicking is somehow rather enjoyable. Almost magical when you get it right.

5. You're surprised to actually get a napkin in a restaurant and not something that resembles single-ply toilet paper if you're lucky - bits of which can be found in your stubble after wiping your face.

6. You want to use chopsticks even with your fried rice. A spoon? Don't give me that shit. You're in Vietnam and you're eating Vietnamese food so you'll use those fuckin' sticks even if you're only getting a few grains of rice with each bite.

7. You see a hair in your food and you just shrug your shoulders. Hair happens. Besides, you know if you do complain about it, they're just going to shrug their shoulders.

8. You know how to cross the street. Sometimes you close your eyes and other times you raise your arm over your head for maximum visibility, just to mix it up. You never assume everybody sees you, but you walk confidently and never show fear.

9. It doesn't phase you when public toilets have neither soap nor towels. Your hands are as clean as the next guys. A little cold water does the trick for sure. You're convinced those studies showing fecal contamination under ultra-violet light were paid for by the soap industry.

10. You love the bum hose. Not because of the tickle in your anus, but because that shit works. You might be splashing E. coli all over the place, but you are cleaning your bum in ways that toilet paper cannot. And indirectly you are saving trees.

11. You honk for fun. As you're entering the street from an alley or approaching someone from behind or in the middle of an empty street. It's just plain fun to beep the horn. Beep beep!

12. You yell at people for having their lights on during the day. You idiot! Save that electricity. And occasionally you yell at people for having their kickstand down and look at them like they've just left the baby on the roof of the car.

13. You walk around your neighborhood shirtless trying to blend in. It's hot, why should you be the only one getting wet and stinky under the arms? If not completely shirtless, you pull it up to expose your belly while drinking an iced coffee.

14. You wear your helmet into shops and pharmacies when you know it's going to be a quick transaction. Total waste of time to unclick it and hang it on the hook. Besides, you'd have to fix your hair.

15. You start cutting people off in line and don't feel guilty about doing it. In fact, you rarely even form a line anymore. Just kind of nudge in from the side and pretend like you were there all along.

16. You have a really long nail on one of your fingers and you don't really even know its purpose. Sometimes you put it in your ear, sometimes in your nose, but for the most part you just think it's cool.

17. You think you can sing really well. You enjoy singing karaoke and occasionally burst into song whether in the supermarket, gym or in the classroom. You're good so naturally nobody minds listening to you.

18. You have an iPhone. You traded in that 500k vnd Nokia a long time ago. You take it out and use it whenever possible and upload pics of yourself using it to Facebook every day.

19. You don't look left when you're turning right. You don't even slow down. What's the point? Slowing down and accelerating again just wastes petrol.

20. If you've missed your turn - instead of turning at the next convenient location - you stop in the middle of traffic and inconvenience everybody else. Everybody else is doing it! It doesn't matter if you have to inch across two lanes of heavy traffic and endanger yourself and others, you're saving time.

21. When the elevator opens you squeeze on with complete disregard for the people getting off as you know you might not otherwise get on. You don't even feel selfish or inconsiderate anymore. Just fucking smart.

22. You answer your cell phone while teaching and discuss plans for the evening in front of your students. And leave your ring tone on and occasionally check and send messages while they're practicing in pairs. It's called multitasking.

23. When taking the stairs, which is a very rare occasion, you tend to walk on the wrong side of the stairwell or in the middle and go at a leisurely pace. Not to piss people off, but just to say you 'exercised' a little bit longer.

24. You laugh when anybody speaks English with a different accent than yours. It's funny because it's not tuh-mey-toh or tuh-mah-toh, it's fucking TUH-MEY-TOH. So naturally you correct them. And if by chance, you can't understand them, you pretend to do so you don't lose face.

25. Your helmet was purchased on the side of the road for less than $5. And the strap is really loose, but you like your forehead exposed so you can show off your receding hairline.

26. When you have to pee, you utilize the nearest dry wall or the closest bridge. No sense in actually asking for a public toilet. It might smell or have cockroaches. And it definitely won't have any soap - not that you're concerned about that.

27. You actually believe that playing basketball will make you taller. You don't play yourself because as a foreigner you're already too tall, but you do think there's some logic to that theory.

28. Orange oranges, yellow bananas and yellow lemons look funny. Oh and sweet mangoes taste funny. And when someone says lime, you say oh you mean lemon? Same same.

29. You drink Heineken. Because that Tiger shit gives you a headache. And because you are of a higher class. That SH will be yours soon!

30. In the past, you hated when Vietnam won an important football match. That meant the streets were full of idiots, honking even more excessively than normal, driving recklessly and endangering the lives of everyone around them. Now you embrace it - you are one with the storm driving without a helmet, yelling, pulling u-turns in the middle of busy streets and waving the flag in the overwhelmingly toxic air. Go Vietnam!

The helpfulness of others

Sometimes people try too hard to be helpful and it's annoying. I just wish they knew. Maybe I had low blood sugar. I was waiting in line for food after all, waiting impatiently for the lady who knew I was waiting impatiently while she took her sweet time pretending to do more important things, which clearly didn't include helping the customer. Finally, I said what I wanted -- some of that fake meat over there, some of them stir-fried vegetables, some of that soggy brown jackfruit, some of that sour green stuff and a few spring rolls for good measure. All tasty treats by the way.

Then this French Vietnamese guy asks me in English if I speak French. No, I don't. And then he asks if he can help me with something. I just ordered, bro. He was standing there when the lady was filling my environmentally-unfriendly styrofoam container. Does it look like I just got off the boat trying to escape the economic crisis in America? Then he proceeds to tell me this is a vegetarian restaurant. Really? I mean, I know the dude didn't know I'd been there every week over the course of the past couple years, but c'mon man. I can see the trays of food on display and it's pretty obvious that none of them are really meat even if half of them are trying their best to resemble it.

So after doing my best to ignore his efforts to prove he could speak English well, I forked over the cash and intentionally pocketed the change before turning to leave so I could also ignore the obnoxious beggars with their upturned conical hats and fake smiles hoping to charm the foreigner into throwing them some dong. I'm not against giving, I'm really not. I just have something against these particular clowns. And if you saw them, you'd know what I was talking about.

Anyway, I know I should be less irritable. At least the guy didn't presume I was one of the lifer expats that permanently resides in the Pham Ngu Lau area drinking beer for breakfast. That says something. I have that going for me. I guess I just wasn't in the mood to talk and to have someone assume I didn't know what I was doing. Dammit man, can't you see I've been here? I'm practically a local. Didn't you hear my near fluent Vietnamese? {sarcasm} I know it ain't perfect, but I got what I wanted no thanks to you. But cám ơn anyway.