I need change

It's that time again. Approximately every four years, I develop a severe itch to do something new. No, it's not bed bugs. The first time came in 2003 when I up and left the San Francisco Bay Area after enduring various office jobs - none of which were to my liking. I left for greener pastures, which was actually true. I went to Portland, Oregon in the Pacific Northwest. I couldn't bear to think of spending my entire life in one small dot on a map.

In late 2003, I started working at a grocery store. It was a decent job and quite social as well, which was good for living in a new area. It didn't take long, however, for it to become a little mundane. Stocking cans of corn, greeting customers, facing the product. I tried to liven up my life by doing odd jobs on the side and working on creative projects at home. In the end, I had to call it a day. The signs were there and I knew if I didn't take action, the Universe would and I'd get run over by a bus for not listening.

So in late 2007, that magical four year mark, I went to Bangkok with a one-way ticket in hand and a slate full of possibilities ahead of me. Not that I really knew what any of them were at the time. And now, nearly four years later, here I am, teaching English in Vietnam. And guess what, surprise surprise, the clock is ticking, the internal time bomb is about to explode. I've been aware of it for some time and I keep defusing it, but like one of those damned trick birthday candles, it keeps relighting itself.

I never really thought of myself as a teacher. I don't want to stand and talk in front of twenty people - are you kidding me? But it was a hurdle, a fear you could say, that I wanted to get over. And now that I've done it, ok, done. I could strive to become the best teacher I can be, but in reality that's not what it is. I have to strive to become the best entertainer. And I'm not a dancer, a singer, a magician or a musician. Nor do I want to be.

I didn't ever want to be a grocery store clerk either. I don't want to stand making idle chit-chat with random strangers scanning their unscannable groceries. What will I do if my curry digests in a hurry? But I did it, got over the stupid fear of being 'in the spotlight' and actually enjoyed myself, for a time. And then, I needed to move on. Exactly what is happening now. I'm aware of it, but still trying to fend it off for just a little while longer.

This need would have arisen a long time ago if it hadn't been for other changes in my life and school. First, the school changed the book. Thank Gosh. I had to prepare lessons again and learning a new book made teaching more interesting. But that still left me at the same school, where I had to see the same faces every day. Some of them easier to bear than others. And I found myself trying to find a quiet place, which usually meant staring at the small screen on my mobile 'meditating' until a few minutes after the bell rang, which I might add is when everyone went to class.

A couple nervous breakdowns later, I was fortunate to be transferred to a different campus, which happened to be even closer to my home. At first I was hesitant to the new location, but in reality, the change in scenery helped postpone any further breakdowns from occurring. And a quicker commute, meaning less traffic and staying dry during monsoon season, was also highly advantageous.

But like I said, the fuse kept getting relit. Nothing I could do about that. So I took a six-week holiday to mull things over and felt thoroughly refreshed when I came back. For a couple days. And then, all the same feelings came quickly rushing back. It's like the dam is breaking, the leak is turning into a gush and I keep plugging holes by making small changes, keeping me momentarily happy until all the weak spots eventually give way.

I just got a haircut. That helps for a couple days. So does a shave. And getting new resources from the internet. A few new games go a loooong way to help liven up the classroom. I even went so far as to go to the tailor. I have enough clothes, but I tire of everything quickly. Two new shirts and two pants. That'll do it. I might even get a new bag. Tired of that old briefcase. Even having a sharp dry-erase marker makes me feel more at the top of my game.

But ultimately these changes - new mobile, new shoes, new motorbike, new place to live, new neighbors, new students, et al - will not replace a new attitude. And that's what I need. But unfortunately I can't just buy one of those. If only it were that easy! And it ain't easy to just change my attitude and say Today, I'm going to make a difference or Today I'm going to have fun. Because I can always count on some fool talking on their mobile in class or asking me to play a game. Teecha, play game!

I know I should just let it slide right off my back. Let it go. Let the nonsense go! But I'm on edge and I can't. I'm teetering on the brink and it shows. I'm tense in the classroom and feel like I'm waiting for somebody to start pushing my buttons or give me an unhappy glare because we're actually studying what we should be studying. Or because they only understand 10% of the listening activity and yes, it's my fault. I'm sorry.

I guess what it comes down to is passion. This isn't mine. Never will be. If I found mine, I'd be pursuing it with the intensity of a hungry fox in a hen house. Or a drunken horny frat boy at a sorority party. And so here we go again. Stop what I'm doing. Travel some. Think some. Experience a lot. Find something new. Hopefully something that will make me smile more and complain less. Doesn't hurt to dream.